estrogen sucks

I always seem to feel like complete crap before ovulation.  I can feel all of that estrogen building up and I am wavering between biting people’s heads off and feel just plain depressed.  Luckily, I haven’t had any crying jags, but I’m sure those will come.  Okay, I’m coming back to this post a couple hours later, and I have to report that tears have already made an appearance.  Damn it.

Going back to work was just peachy today.  (I know, the sarcasm probably isn’t coming across like I’d like it too…)  I think my boss’s New Year’s resolution was to BUG THE CRAP OUT OF ME as much as possible.  Ugh.  Luckily, he’ll be traveling Thursday and Friday, so I’ll get a break from his obnoxiousness.

Good news is I did get a couple bites on the resumes I sent out last week, and may have even lined up an interview for the end of this week.  Bad news is that DH is still negotiating with his hopefully future employer, but it may not work out after all.

I can’t really think about anything else except the fact that I’m super stressed, and that it’s cd13 and there is no indication (from cm anyway) that ovulation will happen soon.  That would just be lovely if I had another delayed ovulation because of stress.

AARGH!

And my temps have dropped again – into the 96’s again instead of the lovely (albeit still low) 97’s like last month.  Thank you stress.

Well, next week at least I get to see Dr. Jen again.  This is the doctor who does integrative medicine and who ordered all of the saliva tests/bloodwork/urine load test (for iodine).  I have the blood test results back, and am just hoping the others are finished before my appointment on the 13th.  I called the labs to check before making the appointment, and if they turn out not to be ready I’m going to have to reschedule.  I can’t afford to set two appointments, since I have to pay these out of pocket.  I did give myself a week buffer in case things were running late, so hopefully everything’s done…

I’m pretty sure there was something else I wanted to write about, but it escapes me at the moment.  Oh well, I need to go to bed anyway.  Nighty night everybody .

[Via http://callmemama.wordpress.com]

She Says... Google Away

One thing I Googled incessantly (oh, who are we kidding, what didn’t I Google incessantly?!) over the last 9 months of trying to concieve is the earliest pregnancy symptoms and when they show up. Obviously this is a futile search, because every woman’s body is completely different, but somehow it put my mind at ease to read about what other people felt, and imagine that I might be feeling that too. Hey, it never hurts to keep hope alive, right? So here is a list of the earliest pregnancy symptoms I experienced and about when I experienced them (in no particular order):

• Excessive thirst. Right around ovulation time I remember feeling constantly parched. And it never really let up since then. I’ve started downing TWO big Nalgene bottles of water every day at work, where I used to just drink one. And now I’m drinking another few glasses at night and taking one to set on my nightstand if I wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. Wow. I’ve never needed this much water before.
• Tender ta-tas. I really thought I’d get out of this common pregnancy symptom since I’ve never really had breast pain (waaaay back when I used to get my period, that is). Not to mention the fact that my boobs are relatively… ermmm… small, so I didn’t really think there was much there to cause pain. But boy, was I wrong. My nipples started to feel tingly around 10 days past ovulation (dpo). Not painful, just sort of weird and sensitive. By 14dpo, that tingliness had given way to soreness and itchiness. Like they were bruised and I have bug bites. Since then it’s been a little uncomfortable to sleep since they are so sensitive.
• Nagging, tense feeling in lower abdomen. This probably started around 11 dpo. It was not exactly a cramping feeling like I used to get with my period (although I didn’t really get bad cramps from my period, at least I have that to thank you for, birth control!), but more of a tugging or localized soreness. Now that I know that I’m pregnant, I know that is my uterus stretching (yes, already, isn’t that amazing?!). I guess prior to getting the positive pregnancy test, one can never be sure if their cramps are period-related or pregnancy-related, but this time I got lucky! I still feel this every once in awhile; it’s one of the only ways I can detect that I’m still pregnant!
• Insomnia. Yep, some women get fatigued, and others just CAN’T sleep at all. Guess which camp I fell into? I’m generally a very good sleeper. I go to bed early, sleep all the way through the night, and can usually fall right back to sleep if I have to get up to pee or if I’m woken up for some reason. But starting about 9 or 10 dpo, I would wake up every morning at around 3:30am and could not go back to sleep. Not if my life depended on it. Now, I’m not sure if this was a result of being subconsciously anxious about the upcoming pregnancy test, but either way, it was pregnancy-related! The last few nights I have been able to sleep until about 5:30am, so it’s getting better.
• Increased body temperature. As anyone who charts their temperature knows, your body temperature raises after ovulation, and usually dips back down once you start your period. I had been charting my temps for about 5 months before this past cycle, and in all that time I’ve never seen a distinct rise. I had crazy little peaks and valleys all the time — no rhyme or reason to the erratic pattern. But then this cycle my temp rose steadily following ovulation, higher than ever before. And it kept rising. And it stayed high. And it still hasn’t gone down! So for all you PCOSers like myself who see no method to the madness of your cycles… have faith! If/when you actually ovulate, you WILL see a distinct change. And it’s pretty amazing.
• Fullness/bloating. This, unfortunately, is a symptom that I have had since I ovulated (for the first time… maybe ever) back in mid-November. When I ovulated, my stomach was totally bloated from the two big ass follicles I pushed through my fallopian tubes. If you were reading back then, you probably remember there were a few days when I had a bit of pain and I even had to unbutton my pants while sitting at my computer in my cubicle. But it didn’t really go away after that… the full feeling continued. Around 8-9 dpo I would feel stuffed after I ate even a few bites of food (which is VERY unlike me ). By 14 dpo my stomach was puffed out like I was already pregnant! I feel like I’m “showing” already, even though the baby is no bigger than a poppyseed. Yesterday at the gym, Benjamin said to me, “You’re sticking out your stomach like you’re pregnant.” And I said, “I’m NOT sticking out my stomach. But thanks a lot”. Ha! Bloating sucks. But I must say, I’m pretty psyched about the pseudo baby bump I’ve got going on now that I know it’s “real”!
• Heightened sense of smell. I read in “What to Expect” that this is nature’s way of making you avoid foods that might be harmful to the developing baby, as most women experience super smells that are offensive or gag-inducing. I think my sniffer has been in overdrive for all smells, though, because I was in sensory heaven cooking all day for Thanksgiving, and I keep smelling freshly baked cookies or cake at random times (that no one else can smell). It’s not so bad to smell cake all the time! But from what I’ve heard, this side-effect can quickly turn against me if/when morning sickness kicks in and all I can smell is gross things.
• Constipation. Oh, the lovelist topic. Not much to say here, except that I generally have this issue, so it took me awhile to realize this as a symptom of pregnancy. Although I didn’t think it was humanly possible, IT HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH WORSE. ‘Nuff said. Friends and family, aren’t you so glad you know about the blog now?

So, I hope that helps someone out there! Tomorrow I am officially 5 weeks, so most of the heavy duty symptoms (ahem, morning sickness, ahem) haven’t kicked in yet. “What to Expect” tells me I can expect that around week 6 or 7. Something to look forward to, no?

[Via http://thisplaceisnowahome.wordpress.com]

She Says... OUCH!

All day yesterday I felt cramping and fullness in my lower, left abdomen… you know, right about where my left ovary might be. I was shocked to realize I can actually feel those two big follicles! While Benjamin and I were, ermm, following the doctor’s orders, I could feel the spot aching and it kind of felt like it was being poked and prodded. Not terrible pain, just enough to annoy me and distract me from the task at hand (sorry, honey!). 

Then, this morning at 5am I was woken up by more pain. It felt like I had a really uncomfortable gas bubble or something… but it wasn’t in my stomach, it was definitely off to the left side and more internal than normal gas pain. Still not terrible pain, but enough to wake me up. I could barely get back to sleep, I was so excited that I might actually be feeling ovulation! The only thing that makes me nervous is that I felt something similar last month (remember? I described it as mittelschmerz), and then I didn’t really ovulate. But I’m trying to remember to TRUST THE DOCTORS and believe that ovulation is really taking place this time.

Since I was up, and it was only an hour before I normally wake up and take my basal body temperature, I thought I’d take it, just to see. The day before I had been at 97.7. This morning at 5am it was 98.3! For realsies, I think this means I ovulated. Let’s HOPE that number stays nice and high, and continues to climb over the next two weeks!

So now I’m at work, and the pain has mostly subsided. I still feel the “gas bubble” feeling, especially after I pee. And it is sore when I get up out of my desk chair. In an effort to keep those little follicles happy, I’m going to skip the gym today and give the dog a nice walk instead.

Have you ever felt your growing follicles or ovulation? Is there anything else I can do to make SURE I ovulated?

moments

The more time goes by I am reminded of how it seems over time my life has become somewhat of a series of moments.

Moments that have defined and shaped my life over time. My frist defining moment was when I was 16. I found out my father died from  Alzheimer’s. It’s not something a 16-year-old is usually prepared for. I skipped school that day with my friend Travis and my Mom and Brother found me at home with him.

I remember the first time I looked in a mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had discovered my life of drugs and everything else had turned me into something I wasn’t. It had taken away my life and changed me forever. I knew then I had to get sober it was just a matter of how and when.

The first time I looked over at Brooke and realized she was it for me, changed me forever. We were at the restaurant we worked at in the “window”. I looked over at her in the middle of a rush and saw that she was the one I was in love with and I was going to build a life with her.

All these moments have either been defined by a series of choices or by just life happening. I grew up faster than most my friends. I lived my life recklessly and brought myself back together. It has all brought me here in this moment where I’m waiting for life to make a decision on whether Brooke gets pregnant or not. For days we tested on this little plastic thing that she pees on to tell us if she was ovulating. Suddenly, that strip turns blue and everything could possibly change for the rest of our lives. The look on her face was priceless. She woke me at 3:30am before she went to work. Her eyes were lit up and it was no surprise that the damn line showed up.

From Belly Fat to Belly Flat

It’s a common problem when you hit 30 that despite your best efforts you just can’t seem to lose the extra weight around your middle.  Medical research proves you’re not alone – the average person gains one to two pounds a year after the age of 30, usually around the stomach area. 

Hormone imbalance spejcialst, Dr C W Randolph’s book ‘From Belly Fat to Belly Flat’  explains the real reason behind this problem which has less to do with calories and everything to do with a little-known medical problem known as ‘oestrogen dominance’. 

Readers of my blogs will know that I’m an advocate of natural progesterone – an essential hormone for both men and women – fostering a calming effect on the body; maintaining libido; serving as a natural antidepressant; promoting regular sleep patterns; stimulating bone building and opposing oestrogen’s predisposition to promote cell growth, thereby providing protection from uterine, breast and ovarian cancer.

If you want to know more about progesterone and, particularly, its effect on weight gain and how to lose that belly flab then check out Dr Radolph’s book: ‘From Belly Fat to Belly Flab’ by Dr C W Randolph and Genie James

For Saturn-day, but I lost count how many I've done

a.Destiny Arts Center. This is a wonderful program of dance and martial arts, with an emphasis on community building, peace and conflict resolution, that my family has been lucky enough to be a part of since Elcy was in first grade and Tilly was in pre-school. Yesterday, Tilly auditioned for the DAC Performance Company, and today we got the call that she was accepted into Company. I am so very grateful to Destiny and to Sarah Crowell, in particular, for her enduring enthusiasm.
b. Om. They put on a great show last night. I’ve been chillin’ and groovin’ to their CD all day today. There was a point during the show when I had my earplugs in and my eyes closed, and rather than listening to the music, I decided just to feel the vibrations. Which ones made my pant legs tickle my calves, which ones made my solar plexus feel like it was part of a marimba, which ones mad me feel like I was going to ovulate, right there.
c. I got to see Matt Pike last night–I haven’t really seen him since I stopped drinking, as he’s a bartender at Eli’s Mile High Club. I heart Matt. He’s a very nice guy. He looked great last night. He said he’s been working out and swimming, and he has a new girl and she seems very nice. He used to be in a band, Sleep, with the guys from Om. His curernt band, High on Fire, is going on tour with Dethklok this fall, and I won’t see him again for a while. It makes me a little sad for me, but happy for him. I’m grateful that I’ve gotten to be friends with him.
d. It’s Friday and I don’t have to clean anyone else’s house till Monday.
e. Alba, for her random text about Home Depot today. Damn, that was funny and wise at the same time!!!
f. Despite the regular ol’ nagging fears about money and what people think of me, I have to confess that I’ve been feeling pretty damned happy lately. That’s a good thing.
g. The tamboura.
h. Cordless power drill.
i. My reading glasses. I just put them on, and it’s hella easier to read the computer screen. Duh.
j. The Wiz at the Piedmont Theatre tonight.

He Says... Missed Opportunities?

I am a little stressed out right now.  Today I have to go to NYC for 3 days for a job.  And despite the fact that we have done everything we can with 6 consecutive days of “trying to conceive” and the fact that her ovulation predictor kit seemed to indicate that we are doing things at the right time, what if we are off by a day or two?  And I am not here!?!

I mean, there is really nothing I can do.  I suggested (jokingly), leaving a “specimen” for Kate (gross…I know).  So let’s say the Clomid worked but we do miss this opportunity because I am traveling.  That would suck!  And it just makes me nervous because I have a fairly irregular work schedule and usually have to travel for a couple days every few weeks.  And since we can’t really anticipate the best time for baby making yet, how do we deal with my schedule and the (more important) task at hand?  Unfortunately it is not practical to lose out on jobs that do require travel for the next few months, and Kate has her own work so she can’t come with me (usually).

That is my rant.  I am leaving this evening and we’ll “try” again before I go and keep our fingers crossed that things are timed perfectly.