Warning to the guys: A very girly, feminine post ahead. Okay, quite frankly, I talk about menstruation cycles and getting pregnant. That’s what I thought. Catch you on the next post.
I promised myself that once I got pregnant, I wouldn’t be one of those annoying women who told the world. How interesting because I’m currently TTC (trying to conceive) and I can’t seem to keep a lid on it to certain people. Now, I’m writing a public blog post about it. Hello, world!
I have all sorts of feelings about TTC. Talking to someone about it is kind of weird because when you say you’re actively TTC, it’s basically blurting out that you’re having sex. I mean, we all know how it’s done; it’s just weird to think about it. Maybe I’m a prude. Okay, no, I am. Regardless, I don’t think anyone wants to hear about my sex life so I try to keep a lid on that aspect for most people. But announcing a pregnancy means that, uh, yeah, you DID have sex! (Unless you’re the virgin Mary carrying Jesus.) But I digress.
Of all things though, I am not sure that I’m called/meant to be a mother. I’m an only child with limited babysitting experience (mostly with my husband, rarely alone), and for the longest, I was the youngest child on both sides of my close, extended family. I have an awful confession to make:
I don’t think newborns are cute.
In fact, I think they’re ugly. I mean, the cuteness aspect (for me) lies in how tiny and helpless they are but are they adorable to look at? Not necessarily. And they’re kind of boring. All they do is eat, sleep, cry, and poop. I know that’s a temporary stage but some mothers love the baby stage. I’m also deathly afraid to hold one. I specifically refrain from holding newborns because I’m afraid I’ll crush them. And hell no, I won’t be responsible for smushing the soft spot of some kid that’s not mine. I’ll stick my finger in their tiny hands but don’t ask me to hold him/her–I WON’T DO IT. Experienced moms say I’ll get over this fear with my own kid. I sure hope so. Although I have the funny feeling, I’ll let everyone else in the delivery room hold the kid before me. I’ll probably cry hysterically over holding a newborn baby than during labor.
I’m more of a toddler girl. That’s when they have personality. They smile, giggle, gurgle, make funny faces, say funny things, and do funny things. If I could pop out a 2-year old, I think I’d do that. We’d have fun together. (I hope.)
But if I want to have my own child, I have to get pregnant before I can worry about not holding my newborn. And the getting pregnant part is the problem. Not the activity itself, mind you. The praying, hoping, and waiting afterward.
I’m relatively new to this. There are women who have been doing this for months and years and have it down to an art. I don’t intend on making this an art. In fact, I don’t like this praying, hoping, waiting thing AT ALL.
When I wasn’t trying, I lived my life. I got my period, went ick (menstruating has never ceased to gross me out even after 16 years), got my Mittelschmerz to let me know I was ovulating, moaned and groaned in pain for a few hours or maybe a day in the middle of my cycle, and moved on only to repeat it all over again every 26-28 days. Never thought much of it. Some women complain about irregular cycles. I’m fortunate to have never had that problem since I started menstruating regularly at age 11. Always 26-28 days and rarely ever a day late.
Now that I’m TTC, I’m living my life in 26-28-day cycles. And I hate it.
I took a Facebook quiz a few weeks ago and although most of them are stupid, a question on this one had me stop and think for a moment: “What bothers you the most?” There were five different choices but the two that stuck out the most to me were “not knowing” and “not understanding.” At the time, I picked “not understanding” since it was around the time of my dad’s birthday and I struggle with not understanding why he died the week before I flew home from college. Now that I’m actively TTC, I realize “not knowing” is more bothersome to me.
Every little problem makes me wonder, “Is this a pregnancy symptom or is this normal?” The nausea. The frequent urination. The localized abdominal cramping. I’m convinced I’ve brought psychosomatic symptoms upon myself because I’m so paranoid. Two negative pregnancy tests don’t lie. Twenty-eight days can never go by fast enough. Fourteen days can never come soon enough. I wasn’t living a menstruation cycle before I was TTC; I was living a life.
I’m thinking of going back to not having kids. If it happens by accident, then great (although that’s unlikely) but all this waiting and worrying is taking away from a life that I want to be living. And spending an hour crying over not knowing whether I’m pregnant or not is just not worth it. God bless the women who can spend months doing this; I just can’t.
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